Saturday Night Live is hiring. Upon further investigation, I have found that I am qualified for none of their open positions, but I went ahead and wrote a cover letter in case something opens up. After all, who wouldn’t want to work for Saturday Night Live. (Best job ever?) Here’s what I came up with:
Dear Mr. Lorne Michaels:
I wish to be considered for the position of [insert position] for Saturday Night Live. My previous work experiences and my personality make me an excellent candidate for this position.
I have previously worked in live television, so I am no stranger to the fast-paced and ever-changing nature of live television. I delivered the news to the hard of hearing on air by projecting the day’s top stories at the top of my lungs. Following that, I translated the local headlines into opera songs and performed them on air. I also have on-air sales experience. I had a brief television stint selling Super Bass-o-matic ’76. Working as a [insert position] for Saturday Night Live is the next logical step in my career path, as I am not quite ready for prime time.
As your future [insert position], you will come to know my personality very quickly. A little bit about my personality–I recently quit smoking so now, I’m depressed, I gained weight, my face broke out, I’m nauseous, I’m constipated, my feet swelled, my gums are bleeding, my sinuses are clogged, I got heartburn, I’m cranky and I have gas. I come from France and yet I’ve always had a deep love for Pat Sajak. In my youth, I was very energetic, some might even say hyperactive–one time, my mom gave a Snickers bar and a can of coke and I towed the car home. When I’m not answering my front door for clever sharks, you’ll find me chopping broccoli or rocking out to the hits of Buckwheat. Because when Buckwheat sings, it is eternal. (And I hate to admit, I am always wookin pa nub in all the wrong places.)
I would make an excellent receptionist because I’m 50 years old and I like to kick! And stretch! And kick! Despite recent grapples with depression due to cessation of smoking, I maintain a positive outlook in the work place that will boost staff morale. For instance, if a co-worker named Rich is Xeroxing something, I’ll cheer him on: “It’s the Rich-meister, makin’ copies!” Aside from my previous work experience and my personality, you’ll also find that I’m a team player. In fact, to prove how I always take one for the team, I have enclosed a check for $3000 made out to the Beatles.
I look forward to discussing this position with you further. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow. Buh bye.
Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute